It’s been another tough week, which explains why I’m a week late writing this post. First of all, I had some computer problems and those are never fun. Then nurse practitioner at mom’s endocrinologist’s office made me feel like a complete failure because mom’s glucose levels aren’t good. This was all going on while I was suffering from a hormone surge – sorry men – that was so intense I felt like I was on the verge on a nervous breakdown and finally and most importantly, mom not only broke her toe, but has an abscess on it.
So I’m late, but for good reason.
Now thankfully, the computer is working better than before and my hormone levels have stabilized. Sadly though, mom is not doing well. Her toe is great, but she had another fall, and as I said in my previous post, every time she falls it kills me a little bit inside. Mom is OK, except for being sore and feeling like she’s failing, which kills me too, because obviously no one wants to think of their parents as failing or falling for that matter. However in this instance, I don’t think failing had anything to do with her fall, as much as her own stubbornness and continued refusal to accept that she has limitations.
I know it’s tough. I remember when I first heard that I had a chronic illness and would have to learn to live with that limitation. I was only in my twenties, so it was a tough thing to hear and accept. My illness relates to the abuse I endured as a child, so in truth, I had never felt particularly healthy or strong. I remember lying in bed as a child in just awful pain and thinking it was the growing pains my parents and others used to joke about. No one took me seriously when I was hurt or limping around, so for me it just seemed normal to always be in pain, and I wrongfully assumed that everyone around me was in pain to.
So when I found out in my twenties that my pain was not normal and would worsen in time, that was pretty hard to hear.
My mother never took an interest in my condition. I have books about it that she’s never asked to read and often when I would mention something, she barely paid attention to anything I said. I know this, because she often asked me questions that proved that she hadn’t heard me. This of course hurt, but my mom’s indifference to my health issues is nothing new.
Please don’t think badly of her, because mom is kind of an ostrich in the way she deals with things. Her indifference wasn’t because she didn’t loved me, but because it was too much to deal with and like an ostrich, she put her head in the sand and hoped it would go away. This is how she dealt with her breast cancer when she felt the first lump, my dad’s alcoholism – until the night we had to barricade ourselves in my bedroom because he was going to kill us, and my abuse and health issues.
It also means she’s had her head in the sand about her diabetes, which is why she has neuropathy in her feet and keeps falling. The chemo drugs can cause neuropathy or make it worse, so finally this is one time where she can’t pretend it’s not happening.
Just the same, she just asked me for a piece of candy, and no, my head isn’t in the sand, it’s shaking a very definitive “no.”
Though she’s generally a strong lady, she can also be quite fragile when she feels overwhelmed. You see, mom was abused as a child too, so while I don’t excuse her for sometimes being indifferent to me and my problems, I understand it.
Perhaps I can help you to understand it too. You see, there’s a lie many abuse survivors tell themselves. I’ve done it, mom does it and I know many others who have as well. We tell ourselves that we’ve suffered through the worst and that life will be easier from now on.
If only that were true, but sadly, it isn’t.
Just the same in mom’s mind, she was automatically supposed to have a happy marriage, a healthy child and no breast cancer.
I wish it had worked out that way for her.
In addition, my mother has some childish fancies, one being that life is supposed to be fair. So when something unfair happens, she either gets enraged or puts her head in the sand. Now she’s trying to do it about her cancer recovery and it’s not working, not that it ever has before.
She was in the kitchen with her walker and decided to walk to the garbage can without it and fell. She’s been priding herself on taking a few steps without it, and now I see that I can’t applaud her for doing that anymore because I don’t’ want to encourage her and risk more falls.
This occurred on top of dealing with the nurse practitioner from hell and my pc troubles that already made me feel like I was on the verge of cracking up because no matter what I did I was getting error messages. I began to back-up everything in preparation to do a system recovery, when I called my friend Carl and poof everything was fine. And of course this occurred when during the worst hormone surge I’ve ever had in my life.
But as I said earlier, my hormone levels have finally stabilized and my pc is fine. In fact, it’s running like new. Thank you to my dear friends Carol, Diana, Joelyn and of course Carl, for being there for me throughout the week.
You are all blessings and I love you.
Mom is on new meds for her diabetes and her levels are already improving, and I’m adjusting her diet to help that along. Her toe is healing and I’m starting to feel normal again, so things are starting to look up again. So why is it I feel like following in mom’s footsteps and putting my head in the sand?
Perhaps being an ostrich isn’t such a bad thing after all.