I haven’t written anything in forever and it’s not writer’s block. It’s more life block if there such a thing. I am depressed and have been like this for quite some time. Perhaps it stems from my constant exhaustion or perhaps it’s just because life is tough and depression happens sometimes. Either way, I find myself once again having to find my footing; thus the name of this blog post.
There have been many times over the past months when I’ve wanted to write something about this or that, but I felt immobilized to do so. Depression is a funny thing, well, at least mine seems to be. Sometimes I am like I am now, where nothing brings me joy and I feel unable to do much but sit and stare at the walls, but there are other times (such as when mom was undergoing cancer treatment) where I kept myself constantly busy while battling my constant sadness. I have no control which form will come, but I’ve been here before, so there’s no need to worry.
I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life, it being part of the residue of surviving an abusive childhood. Most of the time, I just feel slightly grey. I can be happy, but it’s as if something is veiled. It’s most manageable then and how my depression typically manifests.
This is more profound, but I’ve weathered deep depressions before.
So let me tell you what’s been going on outside of complacency. Besides being depressed, my other ongoing battle with insomnia has worsened. It’s now a habit for me to be wide awake to greet the dawn before having even one second of sleep. Because of that, I end up sleeping for most of the day, and waking up from that kind of sleep isn’t restful. It feels like a daily dose of defeat each time it occurs and sadly it occurs quite often.
However now I don’t have the luxury of days spent sleeping. Mom fell and broke her ankle in February, so I’ve been back in full-time caregiver mode. So now whether or not I get much sleep, I have to get up and help her. Now don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a burden. I’m grateful to be here and mom is doing great. That alone has helped to lift my spirits. Just the same being a primary caregiver while fighting for your mental health isn’t easy.
In fact, it feels almost impossible.
So I’m sitting here after another sleepless night writing this. My first blog post in forever.
It won’t be the last and I’ll try to do this as I did before, but if not, please know that I’m OK. I’m just trying to figure what my next steps should be.
This journey continues. It’s a long one, but even though I’m struggling, I would rather be here where I am right now, then where I was two years ago when I began.
It’s good to hear from you. Take care.
Thank you Les. You’ve always been one of my heroes. Sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch, but I read all of your posts on Tumblr and you remain in my prayers.
If ever you would like to talk to someone who completely understands your battle with cancer, depression and even writing—let me know. My pain gets out of control, lately I am having trouble keeping my own chin up. My poetry reflects what I feel at that particular time. My diary, is brutally honest whether a blessed good day or yet another cancer is choking me day. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I reach my hand out to you. Hold on tight. We need each other.
Thank you so much. I definitely have to get over and read your blog. Just from your comments alone it’s obvious that you are a very strong woman. I wish strength to deal with your struggles and will prayer for your healing.
“…This is more profound, but I’ve weathered deep depressions before…”
There is a quality to you, Rachel, that is phenomenal. It’s not doggedness, nothing so inelegant. But a persistance, an insistance on life, and a strength that allows you to be grateful that you can be a caregiver – and write blog entries.
I wish you…well, sleep – if wishing were all it took to gift it. Know that you are often in my thoughts.
Thank you so much for you kind words and constant support. You don’t know how much your comments on this blog and my other blog mean to me.
Thanks for being there.
Me, too. Depression has been a life long battle with me that I’ve refused to let win…. But the battle rages until we die, so we’ll see who wins…
Well I certainly hope that we win. What helps me most, outside of medication, is to find something to do to distract myself from it. Be it some small project or doing something I’ve put off doing for awhile. Of course, there are those times when even that doesn’t work. Still there is always hope. Knowing that others are going through the same thing helps me to realize that this battle isn’t one I’m fighting alone.
Thank you for the comment Bird.
I know I’m late to respond to this, but I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and know what you’re going through. *hugs*
It’s OK. We’re all leading busy lives these days. Thanks for taking the time to read this.