I haven’t written anything in forever and it’s not writer’s block. It’s more life block if there such a thing. I am depressed and have been like this for quite some time. Perhaps it stems from my constant exhaustion or perhaps it’s just because life is tough and depression happens sometimes. Either way, I find myself once again having to find my footing; thus the name of this blog post.
There have been many times over the past months when I’ve wanted to write something about this or that, but I felt immobilized to do so. Depression is a funny thing, well, at least mine seems to be. Sometimes I am like I am now, where nothing brings me joy and I feel unable to do much but sit and stare at the walls, but there are other times (such as when mom was undergoing cancer treatment) where I kept myself constantly busy while battling my constant sadness. I have no control which form will come, but I’ve been here before, so there’s no need to worry.
I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life, it being part of the residue of surviving an abusive childhood. Most of the time, I just feel slightly grey. I can be happy, but it’s as if something is veiled. It’s most manageable then and how my depression typically manifests.
This is more profound, but I’ve weathered deep depressions before.
So let me tell you what’s been going on outside of complacency. Besides being depressed, my other ongoing battle with insomnia has worsened. It’s now a habit for me to be wide awake to greet the dawn before having even one second of sleep. Because of that, I end up sleeping for most of the day, and waking up from that kind of sleep isn’t restful. It feels like a daily dose of defeat each time it occurs and sadly it occurs quite often.
However now I don’t have the luxury of days spent sleeping. Mom fell and broke her ankle in February, so I’ve been back in full-time caregiver mode. So now whether or not I get much sleep, I have to get up and help her. Now don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a burden. I’m grateful to be here and mom is doing great. That alone has helped to lift my spirits. Just the same being a primary caregiver while fighting for your mental health isn’t easy.
In fact, it feels almost impossible.
So I’m sitting here after another sleepless night writing this. My first blog post in forever.
It won’t be the last and I’ll try to do this as I did before, but if not, please know that I’m OK. I’m just trying to figure what my next steps should be.
This journey continues. It’s a long one, but even though I’m struggling, I would rather be here where I am right now, then where I was two years ago when I began.