So it’s been a few weeks since mom’s last radiation treatment and my dad’s death, and I can honestly say I feel like I’ve been run over by several buses and stomped on by an elephant. I think the tiredness and stress of everything we’ve endured finally hit me. I’d been walking around like a zombie for the longest time and in some ways, I still am. So much of my life has been about doing what’s needs to be done to help mom, even to the point of sometimes ignoring my own needs. Now suddenly there is nothing before us but a doctor’s appointment here and there, periodical testing and the future.

For me, it feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, and I guess that makes sense because after so many months of endless fear and stress you kind of get to a place where that becomes normal. You adjust to things that none of us should have to adjust to, and that is part of being a strong, resilient person.

Now suddenly, you have to learn to let that go, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Let’s face it, other people have been told their non-terminal and somehow the cancer that the doctors said was gone comes back. I don’t know the statistics, and perhaps I should take the time to find them, but my point is, that I’m existing in an apprehensive place. No, that doesn’t mean I’m full of anxiety or constantly looking for boogiemen around every corner, but I’m definitely going through my own sort of recovery. I want to believe what the doctor’s say so that mom and I can let go and move on, but I also want to be aware of certain awful possibilities. In addition, I’m still not able to sleep, but I have begun to do something on most days that had been helpful. Yes, I’ve started taking naps.

And I have to add that naps are a blessing.

No big deal I know, but really, right now for me it is, because for months now I’ve been subsisting on five hours of sleep a day. I have no idea how I’ve been functioning like this, but somehow I have. Certainly it is part of the reason why I feel like a zombie, except I’m not stumbling around looking for brains to feast on. The truth is, I’m not sure what I’m stumbling around looking for; certainly my mother’s continued recovery is on the list, but I know there’s something else.

I guess I’ll figure it out as I go, but for now, I’ll just think of myself as a zombie who feels apprehensive about the future, but will settle for a nap and some wine ice cream.

Image by Jeremy Enecio